‘Beast from the East’ batters Britain
Britain is snowed under, and the country has officially lost its collective mind. The Met Office’s forecast maps page has crashed under “unprecedented levels of demand” as terrified Brits try to work out whether they can see their families and loved ones before the end of days. The Armed Forces have been deployed against the snow, which smacks of Mad King Xerxes sentencing the sea to 300 lashes for destroying all his nice bridges.
In the North, Scotland and Wales, the weather, while not entirely meriting the Daily Mirror’s “Ice Age Britain” or the Sun’s “Snow Hell” monikers, is definitely worth worrying about – with 20 inches predicted to fall at the end of the week.
In London, two inches of snow has still brought the city to its knees. Calling it snow is a little generous though when the comforting hot water bottle of intense underground heat pollution has turned it all into a depressing sleet-soot hybrid. People who live 100 yards from a Sainsbury’s Local are stocking up on canned food and preparing to hibernate. Clapham Junction looks like a scene from World War Z and even students have put their heating on. All of these things are guesses though because I haven’t yet gone outside.
Theresa May makes a sex joke
Theresa May has made headlines by doing some jokes at a dinner – displaying what appears to be a rare sliver of actual humanity but is actually closer to the way that your strictest, most anally retentive teacher once made a joke about toothpaste in a school assembly.
True to form (“How do you do, fellow kids?”), May’s jokes scraped the very bottom of the millennial barrel. She compared Philip Hammond to LinkedIn, Boris Johnson to a smartphone app containing “adult content” and described Brexit secretary David Davis as “Mad Max”, as if a pathetically grasping attempt to relate to the youth of today would make us all forget about how all of our futures have been ruined.
But it was a canvassing anecdote about walking in on two people having sex in a caravan that really blew the papers up. The story itself notwithstanding, even reading Theresa May using phrases like “a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘deep and special partnership’,” and “I’m used to hearing moans on the doorstep, but this was something else,” made me want to thoroughly wash the inside of my eyeballs. Rook’s advice – never have sex again, and also set every caravan on fire to purge it from our collective memory forever.
New 10p coins feature an A-Z of all things British
The Royal Mint has released a collection of 26 different 10p coins to celebrate an A-Z of the best of British culture – including zebra crossings, queuing, and for no apparent reason, ‘X marks the spot’. Rook’s provided our very own list of suggestions:
A – Anti-feminists
B – Baby boomers
C – Crippling student debt
D – Diminishing hope
E – Endless Brexit negotiations
F – Fucking Piers Morgan on the telly again
G – Groping women
H – Hateful tabloids
I – Ignoring the experts
J – Jobless graduates
K – Kafkaesque terror
L – Libelous tweets
M – Misplaced national pride
N – Negligent welfare
O – Opinion pieces
P – Platforms for Nigel Farage
Q – Questionable panelists
R – Rising homelessness
S – Systematic defunding of the NHS
T – The Great British Bake-Off scandal
U – Unapologetic colonialism
V – Very expensive pints
W – Wage inequality
X – Xenophobia
Y – Yes, Katie Hopkins is still awful
Z – Zero-hours contracts