Platforming the dead, one very naughty boy and Toffee – a dating app exclusively for wankers

Even dead racists have a platform now, thanks to the BBC

It seems as if there is absolutely no end to platforming. For some unfathomable reason, the BBC decided to ‘celebrate’ the 50th anniversary of Enoch Powell’s inflammatory and racist ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech by broadcasting the entire thing. It’s read by an actor who doesn’t think Powell is a racist with some “rigorous journalistic analysis” thrown in for good measure so it’s not just a public incitement to racial hatred, it’s a public incitement to racial hatred with analysis.

The BBC, in their quest to be as controversial and provocative as possible, have given millions and millions of people the opportunity to hear Rivers of Blood in full – which is millions and millions more than the number of people who heard it in full at the time. Right-wing rabid free speech defenders have opined extensively about how millions of people listening to virulent racism could not possibly be influenced by it at all. It’s an insult to those people. It will just be an examination of history and it is ludicrous to get so worked up about some words made by a man that nobody listens to.

Jeremy Hunt is a naughty boy who forgot seven flats

Jeremy Hunt has completed his latest mission on the quest to become the most hated man in the UK by conveniently forgetting to declare the purchase of seven enormously expensive flats in Southampton. Hunt is no stranger to breaching regulations, cosying up to corporate enterprises and being a completely hateful slimy thieving bastard, and he hasn’t disappointed this time either. His brand-new seven luxury flats, according to the Guardian, are as empty as his cold, black heart.

Labour has reported the Health Secretary to Parliament’s standards watchdog, and Jeremy has made a limp apology for his wobbly memory, calling it an “honest mistake”. After all, it’s easy to set up property firms in your wife’s name and forget to declare your 50% stake in direct violation of money laundering legislation, even when you can remember to claim 27p in expenses for a half-mile car journey.

We need more apps like Toffee, the dating app that pairs up the privately-educated

If you’re a posh elitist who’s struggling to find a date because you’re a posh elitist, look no further – Toffee, a new dating app exclusively for the privately educated, is for you! Niche dating apps are everywhere – for bearded men, Trump voters, bacon lovers, Star Trek fans and salad-eaters. But wouldn’t it be great if there were more apps that paired complete twats with like-minded twats, ensuring they eventually died out through natural selection and shit? Look no further, because Rook has found them.

1) Property Text – The dating app for estate agents and tyrannical landlords

Ever wondered if anyone else will ever understand how much you enjoy raising rents or lying about how many bedrooms there are in a flat? Do you get off on arranging for strangers to enter someone’s home with 24 hours notice? Do you have a signet ring? Look no further than Property Text, the app that will ensure that all estate agents and landlords are too busy screwing each other to screw with their tenants.

2) Dredd – For white people who can’t stop culturally appropriating

Did you wear a bindi to Secret Garden Party because you thought it looked cute on your milky face and then lashed out on Facebook when you were called out? Do you wear with pride and wilful ignorance your horrible white person dreadlocks that you made yourself with hand soap and a brillo pad? Do you regularly use the phrase “but it’s cultural exchange”? Don’t invest time in educating or bettering yourself – invest money in downloading Dredd to find someone equally as ignorant.

3) Shitbag – For men who want to neg women

Are you a man who thinks that insulting women will make them sleep with you? Get Shitbag. There are no women on it – just other men, trapped in an endless cycle of ‘social status lowering’ with each other until all of them die, leaving behind no children and ridding the world of negging forever.

The student politics sketch by London Student.

Help us produce quality journalism

London Student is not supported by any university or students' union. All our activity is funded by donations.