London Student

The Exeter Five, fishy Farage and 90% gel

Racist douchebags named, shamed, and fired from their jobs

The shit has really hit the fan for the Exeter uni students/ stone cold racists Matthew Bell, Alex Crawford, Ash Chandraharan, James Cranstone and Bailey Grant. Whistleblower Arsalan Motavali, who suffered through three months of rape jokes, racism and straight-up hate speech in order to collect receipts, exposed the ‘Exeter Five’ this week and set off a series of events that have culminated in the greatest fear for any “casual” racist in the game – consequences.

Each of the five “dodgy blokes”, all of them liberally sweating privilege through their bad suits, had landed placements and job offers out the wazoo. Those placements and job offers have now been revoked. While the official Exeter University investigation is still ongoing, it is likely that without Arsalan the whole thing would have been dealt with ‘quietly’ and the pieces of shit involved would continue to be pieces of shit while also getting paid through the nose for it. But social media justice is swift, poetic, and extremely enjoyable. Arsalan – Rook salutes you. May your name make WhatsApp racists tremble in their shit loafers forever.

Nigel Farage throws his fish out of the pram and other Brexit nonsense

Brexit news is now so embarrassing that it’s almost impossible to parody. After finding out that there was absolutely no need to leave the EU in order to throw away money on our stupid blue passports it seemed as if the whole endeavour couldn’t get any more farcical. Brexit being Brexit, however, it emerged this week that the stupid blue passports are actually going to be made in France. It’s fine though, because making them in France is going to save taxpayers £120m – exactly half a week of post-Brexit extra NHS pay that a big bus once promised us would definitely, definitely materialise.

In a completely different attempt to show us all how wasteful, pathetic and pointless Brexit is, Nigel Farage has thrown some fish off a boat. Slippery fish-man Jacob Rees-Mogg was blocked from even boarding the shitty little trawler, probably in case his boy Nigel threw him overboard too. Farage, the nation’s favourite bug eyed baby fascist, can’t be considered too committed to the plight of the fishermen considering he attended only one of 42 meetings of the EU’s fisheries committee during the three years he sat on it. TfL did us all a favour by telling them all to fuck off and book in advance next time. Better yet they should just sail the trawler into the middle of the Arctic Ocean and never come back because literally nobody wants them here.

Cambridge Analytica’s hair is full of secrets

Is there any lightness in the news that the personal data of some 50 million people was stolen and used for nefarious purposes? If you’re not worried about what Cambridge Analytica knows about you, consider this. You might not mind them knowing your political leanings or what keeps you awake at night, but what else do they know?

1)They know about the Facebook event you made for your sociopolitical slam poetry night – 3 attending and 4 maybes, all from your friends who were too polite to give you an outright no – which you cancelled out of humiliation but still exists somewhere on the internet somehow;

2) They know about how much time you spend watching videos of orphaned baby sloths when you’re supposed to be working, and they can hack webcams and stuff now so they also know that you cried watching them;

3) And they definitely know about the time your aunt added you on Facebook and then commented on all your profile pictures, including that one from 2009 when your hair was 90% gel which was then bumped to the top of your news feed for a week. They’re all laughing about it right now, in between destroying evidence and obstructing the course of justice.