Jingle Polls: Is this the most festive election ever?
It happened. No one saw it coming. But it happened. No, I’m not talking about Bake-Off (although I wouldn’t mind Prue as PM, if we’re on the topic). I’m talking about a Boris Johnson’s Commons victory – a resounding 438 votes to 20. Surely, Nostradamus included this as a harbinger of the end of times.
Whether we wanted one or not, we’re officially in general election territory, folks. Which leaves us with the question: is this a blinder by Spin-doctor General Dominic Cummings, or another tragic and arrogant mistake?
It’s safe to say the first winter election since 1923 promises to be a bout like no other. The main parties are fighting on two, seemingly, completely different battlefields. In the blue corner we’ve got the Tories, who want to play on the public’s Brexit fatigue. (A condition which I wouldn’t be surprised if Matt Hancock announces a health policy for). This despite successfully failing in delivering their “do-or-die” pledge. And in the red corner, we’ve got Labour who don’t want to go near the B-word. Instead they’re resorting to a very ambitious socialist manifesto to win over the electorate. Maybe it’s less a prizefight than a very tragic game of hide-and-seek?
The cheesiest election campaigns ever?
But what I’m looking forward to seeing in the next month is how Christmassy and cheesy the campaigns will be. Election advent calendars perhaps? A Winter Wonderland rally for Jeremy Corbyn? A Nigel Farage Christmas single called “Rocking around the Brexit tree”? A certain Mr Cummings borrowing Coca-Cola’s Christmas truck for some shameless Brexit advertising? As Corbyn says: it’s all on the table. After all, the government has already drained £100 million on ‘Get ready for Brexit’ nonsense.
It’s safe to say this’ll definitely be the wildest and most unpredictable election ever. But I swear, you can be sure of one thing: if I hear another political advert on Spotify interrupting my gym playlist someone will get it.
Somewhere over the rainbow?
What’ll be scrumptious about this election, however, won’t just be the free mince pies handed out by high-street pollsters. I’m anticipating the guerilla warfare threat waged by the SNP, LibDems, Greens & co. They’re planning a Boris v Gove-esque strategy to boost votes in swing seats. This should allow certain candidates to stand aside, allowing others win with the aim of capsizing the two-party politics boat. It’s an ambitious plan. If it goes well (because politics usually does…), it could leave us with a rainbow alliance with multiple parties in a supply and demand arrangement with Labour. Tasty indeed.
That said, there’s bound to be a lot more interesting and shocking deals and alliances flying about in the next 42 days. This’ll be accompanied by a lot of dark evening door-knocking, chilly rallies and fake promises. But we can all bet that this Christmas election will definitely be a cracker. Someone ought to tell Brenda from Bristol.
Mikail Javaid is London Student’s politics editor.
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